It’s the question that nags at 3 a.m., right? How badly do you want to change? We tell ourselves we’d do anything, but we’re lying, obviously. Luke Smitherd’s ‘I’ll Quit When I’m Dead’ doesn’t just ask; it straps the question to a chair and shines a light in its face. It presents two gloriously messed-up people, Madison and Johnny, and offers them a way out. A terrible, terrifying way out. And the thing is, you get it. The book slinks from a world you recognise into one where the air feels wrong, and you’re just along for the ride, screaming at them to please, for the love of god, run.

I’ll Quit When I’m Dead Review: A Brutal Look at How Badly You Want It

A Horror book review by Cat Treadwell

This is very much a psychological horror in the vein of ‘Saw’ and its ilk: What would YOU do if you found yourself in a suddenly bizarre situation from which there seems no escape? The only solution seems unthinkable but how far can we push ourselves to get what we want – and what exactly does that even mean when it becomes life or death?

Whether it be to find wellness, peace of mind or stability, we’re all looking to improve ourselves in one way or another. When the opportunity comes up for an apparently ideal solution, would you take it? Even if there were a few red flags? I’ve often been told there’s no ‘magic pill’ to fix things, and on reflection, I doubt I’d take it if there was. I’m a horror fan and having seen too many stories like this one, know what deals with the Devil (real or metaphorical) can look like!

What enticed me into this story was that both protagonists are interesting and (mostly) relatable, at least initially. Both are screwed up, burnt out, self-medicating with unhelpful temporary fixes, and generally just getting through each day without much hope. Given what they’ve been through, this is understandable: we live in a difficult world, and whether it’s external circumstances that bring someone down or their own mistakes, it’s definitely not easy.

Accountability can be a challenge; making the effort to fix yourself quite another. It’s when Madison and Johnny choose to take that single step too far for a solution that we as reader may lose them, thinking ‘I would never do that!’ – unless we truly do wonder ‘what if I could…’

This was a quietly challenging read. While the separate stories and characters are intriguing in their own right – and I enjoyed them both, despite their differences – the overall vibe of the book seemed to be of a lurking nastiness, which wasn’t always the easiest to engage with. It did wonders for the atmosphere though, which starts low-key but ramps up fairly quickly, and the writing is excellent throughout to keep the pages turning.

Your mileage may vary with the protagonists, as if you don’t get on with them, you may not connect with their dilemmas. It also seems that these are two very different stories alternating for reasons unknown, which can be jarring with the changing plotlines in each chapter. 

I did like was the gradual fade from recognisable ‘real life’ to an almost folk-horror world, where everything seemed weird/off, with the characters almost constantly confused as a result. In good horror tradition, I was absolutely yelling ‘Get OUT’ at various points! Madison and Johnny transform from seemingly naive and gullible slasher movie victims to the only genuine humans amidst a Stepford or Evil Dead-like trap. So what would you do, given that you stepped into that place willingly?

If you want something imaginative and uncomfortable for a cold winter’s night, this is your book.

I’ll Quit When I’m Dead by Luke Smitherd

Madison has seen better days. Reeling from a bad breakup, self-soothing with junk food, and totally consumed by her lack of direction, she’s in need of a big reset. When she runs into an old acquaintance at the gym, Madison is shocked by how fit they’ve suddenly become. The cause? An all-female fitness boot camp led by ex-military guru Ellie Fellowes. The course is characterized by grueling reps and minimal contact with the outside world, and when Madison signs up to experience it herself, something doesn’t feel right. The other students keep acting strangely; Ellie seems almost superhuman, and her intense motivational methods are becoming bizarre, even dangerous. But Madison is getting results. How can she stop now?

Musician Johnny Blake has been struggling with a pain pill addiction after a very public, very bad fall. At the encouragement of loved ones, he retreats to a secluded cottage to detox. But Johnny isn’t alone. Something is lurking in the shadows of his new home–a creature unnatural and hungry, one that traps Johnny in a frightening bargain. If Johnny doesn’t stay off his pills and keep his end of the deal, he will be eaten alive.

As Madison and Johnny’s predicaments spiral into the unthinkable, they will have to look within to find the true and terrifying answer to the age-old question: How badly do you want it?

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