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Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films

Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films. As the glitz and glamour of Oscar season approaches, it’s time to take a break from the accolades and dive into a cinematic niche that often gets overlooked—bad horror movies. Each year, amidst the films vying for the coveted golden statuette, lurk some hilariously awful horror flicks that feature prominent actors attempting to shed their serious image in the most questionable ways.

In this year’s special podcast episode, we shine a spotlight on these hidden gems—or rather, hidden disasters—that may have haunted the careers of their stars. From Sebastian Stan’s lethargic ghost tale to Demi Moore’s post-apocalyptic escapade, we’ll dissect the entries that showcase how even the finest talents can end up in the shadows of cinematic misfires. So grab your popcorn, and let’s have some fun sifting through these skeletons in the closet!

It’s our annual salute to the bad horror movies in the backgrounds of new Oscar nominees: Skeletons in the Closet!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Maybe our favorite podcast of the year, the annual celebration of all the terrible horror movies that the new crop of Oscar nominees might just want you to forget they ever made. But will we? Never!

Happy to see so much horror appreciated this year: The Substance, Nosferatu, Alien: Romulus. But that’s for another podcast. Today, let’s pry open some closets and see what’s festering in there.

Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films

5. Sebastian Stan: The Apparition (2012)

Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films
Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films

Yawntastic! Ben (Stan) participates in a college experiment with Patrick (Tom Felton), who believes that if you believe hard enough in a spirit even if you know it doesn’t exist, it suddenly will exist.

And if that’s not dumb enough, it will also reappear suddenly many years later. And also hunt you down even if you’re far away, haven’t believed in it again, or I don’t know? And it turns into mold? Because it’s affected by energy? Or something? And it doesn’t like camping? Or it does?

Here’s what I know for sure. It’s boring as hell.

4. Guy Pearce: The Seventh Day (2021)

Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films
Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films

You know what every Guy Pearce fan should see? You should see Ravenous. It’s so good! Scary, tense, weird in the best way. You know what you probably shouldn’t see? The Seventh Day.

First of all, Justin P. Lange’s follow up to his underseen gem The Dark with an exorcism movie certainly raises eyebrows. Yawn. The transition from a nuanced horror film to a trope-heavy narrative feels jarring, as he goes on to waste real talent—Keith David and Stephen Lang—who are both known for their powerful performances and ability to command the screen. Pearce plays a legendary, no-frills, even controversial and brackish exorcist who’s taken on a trainee, presenting a dynamic that promises depth and emotional conflict.

However, it quickly becomes evident that all is not what it seems and none of it’s very interesting. Despite attempts to build tension and intrigue, the film often devolves into predictable plot points and clichés. There’s a kind of intriguing premise hidden underneath all the boring whatnot, hinting at complex themes of faith and redemption, but it does seem like Pearce is trying hard to elevate the material, often resulting in a disconnect between intention and execution that leaves the audience yearning for something more engaging.

3. Adrien Brody: Giallo (2009)

Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films
Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films

Dario Argento made some incredible films. Giallo is not one of them. It fits squarely into the uninspired, visually bland, poorly plotted output we saw from him post-Opera.

Adrien Brody, in duel roles, didn’t seem to care for the film, either, and it’s apparent that his performance lacked the usual depth and nuance that fans have come to expect from him. He used the pseudonym Byron Deidra, but you’ll know it’s him—both times. There was a time when Argento’s films were so stylish, so visually arresting and gloriously weird that no one cared how silly the plot was; audiences embraced the fantastical elements and the vivid storytelling that made every viewing a unique experience.

But rob a film of that dazzling panache, and the borrowed, bland, dumb plotting is hard to miss, causing viewers to feel disconnected and disenchanted. The lack of innovation and creativity in the narrative left little room for engagement, transforming what could have been a thrilling cinematic experience into a forgettable exercise in mediocrity.

Brody’s no stranger to horror, and while none of these are masterpieces, all but Giallo is decent: Wrecked, Predators, Splice, The Jacket, The Summer of Sam. We’re obligated to mention The Village, too, although we’re not fans.

2. Isabella Rossellini: Infected (2008)

The Heart and Soul of Horror Review Websites Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films
Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films

What on earth was the tortured ingenue in the masterpiece Blue Velvet doing in Adam Weissman’s 2008 made-for-TV contagion/alien invasion flick? She’s great, actually, and her big-reveal scene is no doubt the reason she took the role. It’s inadvertently hilarious.

Judd Nelson co-stars. He may have been actively in a coma. But it’s worth it just to see Rossellini’s big scene. It’s on YouTube and dailymotion—wouldn’t want you to pay for it!

1. Demi Moore: Parasite (1982)

The Heart and Soul of Horror Review Websites Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films
Skeletons in the Closet: Celebrating Bad Horror Films

Friend of the show Charles Band directed this treasure of low rent cinema. Demi Moore stars ad spunky, lemon loving Pat in a post apocalyptic desert town. “Sickies” run wild, often topless. Work camp escapees are even worse. Still, somehow Pat trusts the stranger (Robert Glaudini), a doctor who used to create parasites for the government and is now infected with one. She’s just helpful like that.

Moore does not embarrass herself, and that’s tough given the terrible writing and stiff scene partner that surround her throughout the performance. Despite the odds stacked against her, she manages to convey a certain charm and resilience that captivates the audience. The best part is undoubtedly the creature, whose design and presence are so striking that we believe it inspired the look of the beast in Killer Condom. This comparison is high praise indeed, as it showcases the creature’s unique and memorable attributes, which stand out even in the midst of subpar dialogue and awkward interactions.

Authors

  • hope-madden

    ope Madden, a graduate of The Ohio State University, is an author and filmmaker.In addition to 12 years at the independent weekly newspaper The Other Paper, Hope has written for Columbus Monthly Magazine, The Ohio State University Alumni Magazine, and is a published poet. Her first novel, Roost, is out now, as is the anthology Incubate, which includes her short story “Aggrieved.” She recently wrote and directed Obstacle Corpse, the first feature film from MaddWolf Productions! She also writes for Columbus Underground and the UK Film Review.In Central Ohio, you can catch Hope on TV every Friday morning on ABC6/Fox28’s Good Day Columbus.

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  • George “Screen” Wolf

    George “Screen” Wolf is co-founder and writer for maddwolf.com. He’s also film critic for Saga Communications radio (25 markets across the US), Columbus Underground and UK Film Review.In Columbus, Ohio, you can catch George on TV every Friday morning on ABC6/Fox28’s Good Day Columbus.George is a member of the Columbus Film Critics Association, and lives in Grandview Heights with his wife, Hope Madden. Their son Donovan lives in L.A. George enjoys music, politics, his Harley, sports, travelling, and, oh yeah, movies!Contact George at maddwolf95@gmail.com.Follow George on Facebook and Instagram @maddwolfcolumbus and on Twitter @maddwolf

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