Halloween Author Interrogation: Horror Authors in the Hot Seat

Horror authors spend all year inventing terrible fates for other people, so for this Halloween horror special Ginger Nuts of Horror turned the tables. The Halloween Author Interrogation put five daft questions to horror writers, including which cursed object would they keep? Which horror death would they struggle to explain to their mum? What does their ghost complain about, which villain would be the worst flatmate, and which scene would they sell their soul to skip writing? Their answers are below, along with their latest books, so you can see what they get up to when nobody is interrogating them. Mind the fridge notes.

Give a horror writer a cursed object and they will find it a day job. The Lament Configuration turned up as a doorstop, a writing prompt, a guitar footrest and pawn shop bait, the ghosts moaned about everything from the coffee to the snoring, and the fridge notes prove that no monster can be trusted with the washing up.

Inside the Halloween Horror Authors Interrogation: Meet the Accused

Horror writers are, as a rule, lovely people. They are kind to animals, they buy their round, and they will happily spend a whole evening telling you how they would dispose of a body. They also spend their working lives dreaming up the worst things that could happen to someone, and then making those things happen on the page.

So this Halloween, it felt only fair to ask them some questions for a change. Not the usual ones. Nothing about process, or influences, or what they are reading. Five daft questions, sent out with no warning and no right of appeal.

There were no wrong answers. There were, however, some answers their publicists may want to have a quiet word about.

Here are the accused.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Christine. I would go on a road trip to hell and back. How could I not?

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

Probably Wake Up and Open Your Eyes for… um, reasons. IYKYK.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

I eat all the peanut butter. I love peanut butter. It’s pretty safe to say I subsist on it. Chunky. Don’t eat my peanut butter. That’s mine, not yours.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Hannibal Lecter, perhaps? He’s always inviting his friends over for dinners and never cleans up after himself… I’m still waiting for my invite to one of his shindigs. My sticky note wouldn’t be on the fridge door, but my own: NOT FOR CONSUMPTION.

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

As someone who’s struggling through my next book, I’d happily sell my soul for the next sentence. My soul’s going for pretty cheap these days.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Oh, it would have to be the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser. I use it to prop open the front door for when unwanted visitors arrive…

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

Definitely Jake’s death in The Mortuary Collection, segment 2: Unprotected. Short version: guy removes condom during sex, finds himself pregnant, when he asks how the baby comes out he’s told ‘The same way it got in.’

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

I keep talking to it as though it’s my therapist and it says, ‘I’m not paid enough for this! You’re the one who’s supposed to be scared!’

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Samara from The Ring. “Maybe you could dry your hair before you drag yourself out of the tv and across the good rug?”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Probably the opening chapter of The Scarred Queen. And probably not, but at least I’d still have the rest of the book to fix things…

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Oh I’m definitely grabbing the Lament Configuration. I won’t use it (probably), but it looks good on a shelf.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

I scare too easily. Floorboards creaking of their own accord would have me rattled, meanwhile the ghost is upset because they haven’t even done anything yet.

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

This already exists; it’s called chat gibbity and all it can have is the sole of my shoe to write absolutely nothing and go back to hell.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

My insomnias. There’s not many nights I don’t get up three or four times at least. Then there’s the tossing and turning. The sleepwalking. Matter of fact, if that ghost was feeling too restless for first-class satin sheets, I might tire them right back to their coffin.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

I’d have to go with Annie Wilkes. NOTE: Dear Annie, however much I consider myself to be a supporter of art and creativity in all its forms (that includes your unique and experimental approach), might it be possible for you to keep Paul Sheldon’s screaming to a minimum? Some of us are working very hard to become lesser authors. PS: We need more apples (Misery ate them all).

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

I’d love to have a One Wish Willow from Obsession, of course I’d never break it open or even take it out of its box, I’d just neurotically keep it in pristine condition and in its original packaging like all the other vintage toys and novelty objects from the 1950s in my collection.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

I’d hate to be the first murder victim in Se7en who dies of gluttony. Mum would always tell me off for messy eating, and she hated it when I played with my food at dinner time.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

The ghost that haunts me gets increasingly annoyed that I keep forgetting his name. I mean, it’s hard enough when you’ve been properly introduced to someone, but a spectral presence who tends to mumble is really hard to place. Is it Kevin? Or Kenny? Calvin?

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

My new flatmate Norman Bates had his mother visit over the weekend, though she didn’t leave his room the whole time. Monday morning and I’m leaving a note on the fridge: ‘Let your Mum know it’s safe to come out – I’m taking a shower.’

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

There’s a time travel scene in my next book where a man goes back to haunt himself. Maybe the demon itself is me from the future who has already written this scene and is buying his own soul.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

It’s a terrible idea to have any of them, but I’d probably risk the One Wish Willow and do a variation on the billion dollars wish, which came thisclose to working out for him.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

Recent movie spoiler alert in my answer: Bryan in Resident Evil. Not because he didn’t make it (it’s incredible how far he came) but because he didn’t clear out of the damn lab and let the scientists make the cure! She’d be so disappointed in me.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

That I never clean the house. Even a ghost would appreciate fewer spiderwebs and less clutter.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Samara from The Ring, and the note would say “STOP LEAVING THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN.”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Is it a sexy demon? I’ll give it a sex scene to write, out of, um… curiosity.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

The glass decapitation from The Omen. Not so much the death itself, more what I was doing in the backstreets of Jerusalem with a dashing American diplomat.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Randall Flagg from The Stand. And the note would say: Please take off those ridiculous cowboy boots when you come into the flat, I know you call yourself The Walking Dude but a) that’s a stupid nickname and b) if I have to listen to you clomping up and down the stairs one more time, things really are going to fall apart.

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Is the demon called ‘AI’ by any chance? Either way he can piss off, I write my own stuff.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

The Lament Configuration from Hellraiser. I’d use it as a writing prompt in my horror fiction writing class at Brunel University, because hooking the reader is so important.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

“There’s never any coffee left for us noncorporeals. Boo!”

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

“Dear Sadako Yamamura, hope you’re settling in okay but PLEASE be kind and rewind the VHS, and it’d be really lovely if you could ask your friend Kayako to refrain from leaving hair in the plughole. Toodles!”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

I’d ask the demon C’hat’b’hot to write up my entire second act for me to be honest, but it would never be worth it because even demon-based generative A.I. content SUCKS.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

I’m taking home Dorian Gray’s portrait and hanging it in my classroom. It will serve the dual purpose of teaching my students about classic literature and covering up the chunks of paint I’ve ripped off the walls when taking down posters over the years.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

It feels neglected. I spend too much time folding laundry, earbuds jammed into my aural cavities, and not enough time complimenting its ominous hovering or its eerie moaning (about its problems).

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Pennywise would make the worst flatmate. My first passive-aggressive fridge note would read: “Please wash the grease paint off the mugs after you drink. I spiral about indirectly kissing people enough. I don’t need encouragement.”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

My protagonist can ride the minds of others. She uses this power frequently as a form of escapism from her unpleasant circumstances. These flights are written in second person. Blah, blah, things happen, and she gets traumatically ousted from the head she was inhabiting, jolting her into first person narration. Demon, please write this transition for me. I will give you my soul, and it will be worth it.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Has to be the vampire Norton Commando from I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle. Classic British bikes aren’t known for being reliable, so I’m sure one possessed by a vampiric demon will be just as easy to start. Also, in the dark, blood stains look a lot like oil leaks, so the garage won’t be any more messy. I’d have to use it for night riding, obviously, which makes sense as the lights on my own Norton are woefully underpowered.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

The ghost’s complaint would be, why am I around all the time? Why can’t I just go out? It’s really hard to have a break from haunting, if the person you’re haunting works at home. Seriously, it would get tired from chucking things around eighteen hours a day, and would probably book me on a holiday just to get me out of the house.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Lord Summerisle from The Wicker Man. Look, other horror villains might be more murdery, and definitely more messy (no-one really wants to come home to a load of body parts strewn across the kitchen – I’m looking at you Leatherface), but can you imagine how hard it would be to compete with the suave, debonair, Summerisle. The first note I would stick on the fridge would be “Stop sacrificing virgin policemen, and just book a food delivery from the supermarket.”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

The one that helps me break the feeling that this story I’ve tried starting three times is on rails and actually get the rest of the book finished. Is it worth it? If it gets this draft done, then I would consider it.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

I’d sit the cursed piñata from Demon Island on my desk to remind me that, whatever I write, it can’t be that bad.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

I’d want to go out in a blaze of glory, facing down the killer, but in real life I’d probably fall downstairs, get hit by a car and/or shit myself.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

That I left the house, screaming, weeks ago. I love it in movies when someone just goes, “Nah,” and heads for the hills, like when they move house in Insidious or the psychic runs away in Paranormal Activity. It’s good to know your limits.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Freddy Krueger talks too much (see also: mean to children). Michael Myers is nice and quiet (but eats dogs). Jason would be really messy. Weirdly, I think Pinhead would be the most respectful, as long as you never went in his room. None of them strike me as note-on-the-fridge guys TBH.

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

I sold my soul long ago, the words are all mine.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

The TV from Poltergeist. I’d switch it on when I had a tedious guest who never gets the hint it was time to go home… about three hours ago.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

To be killed by The Leprechaun. My Irish ma always warned me to stay well clear of the Sidhe.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

Boring it into another death by waffling on and on and on about Marvel films.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

The Mummy. I’m not a tidiness freak but all those long trailing, grungy bandages are a big no-no. Also, the cat would play with them too, creating further messy unravelling.

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

He can write the whole blooming book, who better to know about Hell and the damned? I can get my soul back with some serious repenting once it’s published.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

I’ve always thought that the puzzle box or ‘The Lament Configuration’ from Hellraiser looked cool and decently heavy. I could use a proper doorstop for the living room and with 16 million possible combinations, the chances of someone accidentally solving it, calling Pinhead and being bound to the Cenobites are pretty slim. In fact about the same chance of winning the ‘Set for Life’ jackpot on the lottery, which I would also enter, just to be sure, because authors need money!

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

The first thing you need to know about my parents is that they are extremely technophobic. We didn’t have a TV until I was ten (purely because they won it in a raffle). We didn’t have a house phone until I was 18 (and they realised their teenage daughters might need to get hold of them in an emergency) and they refused to ever have a microwave. I’ll leave you to imagine their opinion of mobile phones and social media!

The second thing to know is that my family is Catholic, which means that I was raised with an understanding that while ghosts definitely, probably didn’t exist, you’d be bloody stupid to ever use a Ouija board!

What this means is that your definition of embarrassing and mine are probably different. They’d probably get over weird sex stuff, but if it involved technology that I’d been repeatedly warned about…

So the horror death I’d least want to explain to my parents would be from the film Host. This film combines the technology I’ve been warned against, with the mysticism I’ve been raised to avoid. Host is set during lockdown when six friends join a virtual séance through Zoom and stupidly unleash a demon that kills them all. Mum would absolutely have been standing there rolling her eyes and going ‘You can’t say you weren’t warned.’

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

That’s a tough one, I’m pretty messy when I have a deadline looming (like now) so the house is a tip. But ghosts can float through mess, so it wouldn’t be a problem. I reckon it depends on the ghost but they’d probably complain about my taste in TV. Currently I’m binge rewatching all of the Big Bang Theory (following Stuart Fails to Save the Universe).

I won’t be letting the ghost watch reality TV involving ‘relationships’, ‘love’ or ‘islands’ no matter how much it begs.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Dear Invisible Man
Showers remain private spaces in this house. Invisibility does not exempt you from understanding boundaries.
A gentle reminder that we also agreed that you would keep your bandages on in social spaces, especially from the waist down.
Please also note that I may not be able to see you taking my oat milk, but I can tell when you have done so.
Thank you
Bryony

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

The bone flute from Whistle and I’ll Come to You. I’d use it to summon the dog. Which is novel, as I don’t have a dog…

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

So, I was on my hands and knees looking for something on the ground when the brakes failed on this lorry carrying some sheets of plate glass, one of which slid off as the lorry rolled backwards, taking my head clean off my shoulders. Which is embarrassing as I’d just had my hair cut.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

People believe in me more than they believe in the ghost. It’s jealous. It lacks credibility.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

John Reginald Halliday Christie. The note would say ‘Can you please do your fair share of the washing up, and generally tidy up after yourself?’

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

It would be the final scene, because I struggle to end my stories. Whatever the demon comes up with is bound to be better than my efforts.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

It’s going to have to be the Lament Configuration, and I refuse to believe that I’m the only one who’s saying this. The plan would be to start a shitty pawn shop somewhere in a major metropolitan area. I’ll take up the hookah, start wearing a fez, maybe lose an eye. I’ll just set it up in the window and wait for rubes to come a’callin.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

There’s something about being strapped to a chair and fed to death (à la Se7en) that seems very me. I think the rictus smile on my face would be too much for mom to bear.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

“Norman, if you and your mom are going to be living here, then we’re splitting the rent three ways. Otherwise, dry your wigs somewhere other than the shower.”

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Cursed object I would keep from a horror film would be the Zuni fetish warrior doll from the 1975 horror anthology film, “Trilogy of Terror”. I would send that razor-toothed little dude out every day to either chew down or cut down with his spear the damned weeds that terrorize me daily. We have a 73-acre property; keeping up with the chore of weeding is maddening and impossible!

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

This is a tough one, as my mother absolutely loved horror books and movies (and she was a bit perverted at times, which explains a lot about me – LOL). Here goes: A very flexible man who is extremely egotistical about his body (specifically his penis) is intrigued with attempting self-fellatio. Struggling to find just the right position, he finally perches on the edge of his couch with his legs spread wide while leaning forward enough to engulf himself. Just before climaxing, he leans forward too far and falls on his head, breaking his neck!

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

My ghost’s complaint would be that I continually listen to music from the 1960s and 1970s.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Freddy Krueger from “A Nightmare on Elm Street” because every time he wipes his ass, he shreds the roll of toilet paper! My note on the fridge to Freddy would read, “I’d like to suggest that you get an effing manicure!”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Being a bit of a control freak when it comes to my books, I would demand to see some of the demon’s work first. Then I’d say, “Sorry, not good enough. Go find some other sucker!”

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

I want the embalmed hand from Talk to Me, which could be quite a handy (sorry) tool to have around the house. You could use it to pick your nose, for example, or maybe as a masturbation aid on special occasions.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

The ghost would probably say I am too aloof, and don’t pay it enough attention. That’s been a common complaint throughout my life. Then, the supernatural activity would escalate until I finally do start paying attention, then the ghost would decide I wasn’t worth all the effort anyway and go off and haunt somebody else.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Hannibal Lecter would make the worst flatmate, because he would be a total food snob and constantly judge me on my choice of ready meal and instant coffee.

The note would say: PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ANY LEFTOVERS IN THE FRIDGE

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Curse how cursed? Not sure if it counts as cursed but either Bobbi Anderson’s typewriter from The Tommyknockers, or the word processor from Word Processor of the Gods. I would use them to write best selling novels… that drive the readers insane.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

Either something sex related (i.e. murdered by Jason during sex) or something while pooping. Imagine getting bit in the taint by a venomous snake when you were taking a poop.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

My irregular schedule and writing all hours of the night. THAT’S THEIR TIME, DAMN IT.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

One of the monsters from A Quiet Place. The slightest noise is gonna piss them off and then you are gonna hear about it at the next flat meeting.

“If YOU want carpeting in the apartment YOU have to pay for it.”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Sorry, the wife owns that and the demon would get his ass kicked in the court of law over ownership rights.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

I’m going to take the Lemarchand Configuration to a Rubik’s Cube Contest.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

She’ll wonder what I’m doing sewn inside a burning bear suit.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

I snore way louder than his rattling chains and haunted cries.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

The Fly. “Dude, I know you’re losing your teeth and fingernails and hair. I feel really bad the ointment I bought you isn’t working. But could you do me a favor and just clean the sink.”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Dear Mr. Devil,
Can you please write the ending, or at least choose one for me? I’ve changed it three times now. You can have my soul in return. I’m already going to hell anyway.
Thank you,
J.R. Blanes

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

The severed hand from Talk to Me, for opening jars.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

The guy who tried to punch Jason Voorhees’ lights out in Jason Takes Manhattan.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

That I am generally oblivious.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

The Creature from the Black Lagoon. “Next time use a coaster.”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Not a scene, but the Acknowledgements. I always forget to thank somebody.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Not the monkey’s paw. I’d be too tempted to destroy the universe. So, probably the Lament Configuration. The prospect of Hell is attractive. I’m looking for a warm place for a second home, and that might be the ideal location.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

Marion Crane’s death in Psycho. My mum would throw a fit if I told her I’d got Janet Leigh in the shower…

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

I won’t stop pestering it about its motivation…

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Jason Voorhees. My Post-it note on the fridge would read: “Group swim tomorrow! See you there! 😊”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

I’d give him a scene in the middle of the book. The one involving an exorcism. He can write out the text from the Rituale Romanum. I’m sure he’s heard it enough times…

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

The first girl, she would be ashamed I didn’t make it to at least the 3rd death. She’s an Asian tiger mom, final girl or nothing in her books.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

“Stop repairing the drywall/hanging photos/moving bookshelves at 2 in the morning and get in bed so help me god or I will spook you at the top of the ladder!!” Which is much the same complaint my cats have. They stand in the middle of the bed and scream at me till I climb back in and also try to make me trip off the ladder.

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

The first scene absolutely. First of all beginnings are already soul crushing to write, and if it meant every person who read the first scene finished the book, totally worth my soul. However, since I already sold my soul to a corporate job for cold hard cash, the demon will have to fight my CEO for custody.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

The Lament Configuration is coming home with me. It’s just the right height to slightly elevate my left foot while I’m playing guitar, and how can you not be inspired to write filthy riffs with your foot resting on a doorway to kinky hell? I’ll probably end in rubber overalls with sporks through my eyelids but that’s ok. Everyone needs a gimmick.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

I’d hate to go out full of ceiling mirror shards in a water bed like the couple in Bride of Chucky. Sketchy hotel room, wobbly sex pond, baggy silk love-heart boxers, looking like a cenobite disco ball… With tackiness like that it would be like dying twice.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

You’ve got your whole afterlife to move someone’s stuff about for a laugh and what do I get? This ADHD-having melt. Lost keys? Milk in the oven? Cereal in the fridge? THAT WAS HIM! He came in here, took my job, and he isn’t even dead. 1 star. Avoid.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

When you say you’ll be back at ten on a work night, could you actually make it ten? I didn’t really feel like inviting you in at 3am. We don’t ALL sleep like the dead, Vlad.
PS. We’re out of coffee.

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

Opening scene, for sure. There’s an old lady wandering about at night, a bomb made of gas canisters, and a LOT of hedgehogs… I rewrote it several times as I was getting started and I’d gladly sell my soul to skip the rewrite. Worth it? I regret that I only have one soul to sell.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

I’d take Svengali’s framed photograph from George du Maurier’s Trilby (1894). His eyes in it are “full of stern command.” I’d run the mind behind those eyes through a superintelligent AI and learn to use his powers with relative benevolence. The everyday job? Clearing the manosphere out of my feed. I’d send Dracula’s lovers in to seduce and eviscerate it.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

The deaths of the parents in Funny Games. I’m a first-degree black belt, and I clocked almost immediately that those two men were dangerous. Explaining to my mum that I’d let them stay in the house, play their psychological games and threaten me with a golf club—and still ended up dead—would be mortifying. She’d ask what all those years of karate were for.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

The ghost would complain that I keep asking why it became a ghost. I studied psychoanalysis, hypnotherapy and hypnoanalysis, though I ended up working in government, and I’d be more interested in its trauma than its attempts to scare me. It wants an M. R. James story. I keep turning it into Analyze Casper.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

The Devil from Brimstone. He’d mistake me for Ezekiel Stone and spend every breakfast reminding me to round up 113 escaped souls. He’d also keep dangling a second chance at salvation, as though I might eventually believe him. My first note on the fridge: “Five captured—by someone else. 108 left. I am not Ezekiel. Stop leaving me assignments.”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

I’d give him a scene from my unpublished book Drogol in which the Devil tells Drogol to capture people. Is it worth my soul? Obviously not. Damnation is damnation. Even if I lost my mind and considered the trade, one scene wouldn’t finish the novel. I’d want the demon in a chair under strobe lights for a 24-hour interview: his life before the fall, what changed, and why. I’d record the lot. He’d probably give my soul back just to stop the questions.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

The whistle out of “Oh Whistle, and I’ll Come to You, My Lad” (M.R.James). Whenever I’d just hung washing out, I’d whistle up a wind to get it all dry. That apparition seems to like bed linen, so it’d probably be quite happy.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

Probably the first one in Under The Skin (2013). If I were a guy, anyway.

 Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

I really wish this woman would stop asking me what life was really like in 1750. I’m here for the screaming, not to deliver a bloody history lesson.

 Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Brundlefly. I’m not sure he’s exactlya villain (more a tragic hero) but he’d be an appalling flatmate. The note would say: Whoever vomited on my crème brulée, have you considered another approach to critiquing French cuisine?

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

It’s never going to be worth it, is it? If I could get someone else to do one scene, it’d probably be something around the middle of the book, the point where the entire project seems ludicrous and I am wondering if I ought to give up. But I’m still not doing it.

You’re allowed to keep one cursed object from horror fiction or film. Which one do you take home, and what everyday job do you put it to?

Christine. I think we could be gal pals and go on a revenge-themed road trip. Remember that sadistic, belittling, misogynistic manager who made me cry at the company Christmas party in 2003? Vroom vroom, baby.

Which horror death would be the most embarrassing to explain to your mum?

Pete Davidson in Bodies Bodies Bodies, when he slices his own throat with a kukri while trying to make a cool video opening a champagne bottle. Mortifying.

Your house is haunted, but the ghost only has one complaint about you. What is it?

I listen to BTS too loud while in the shower. But it’s not my fault the ghost doesn’t have good taste.

Which horror villain would make the worst flatmate, and what does the first passive-aggressive note you stick on the fridge say?

Freddy. “Someone keeps slicing open the milk jugs and leaving the spilled milk on the floor. Also maybe buy your own milk and stop drinking mine directly from the carton with your weirdly wet lips??”

A demon offers to write one scene of your next book in exchange for your soul. Which scene do you hand over, and is it worth it?

None– I love writing and would not allow anyone else to do it for me. The demon can clean the house while I write. While wearing a ruffled pink apron.

That concludes the Halloween Author Interrogation, and with it our Halloween Fun season, which began with two dogs vetting horror films and checked in to the horror of Tripadvisor along the way. All twenty-three of the accused are free to go, on condition that somebody washes the mugs, rewinds the tape and does something about the Lament Configuration, which is currently serving time as a doorstop, a writing prompt, pawn shop bait, a guitar footrest, a shelf ornament and a Rubik’s Cube rival.